To Let Live or Not?

Who gets to decide whether a life is worth preserving or not? Who gets to decide the fate of a newborn who hasn't yet seen the world?

A newborn who might not be able to appreciate the beauty of life. A newborn who may forever be dependent on external support. A newborn who may never be able to fully reach his potential. 

Or who may…

Who may actually be a boon to mankind. Who may entertain millions with his talent. Who may find the cure to cancer. Who may just live a happy life. Who may survive as a fighter. Who maybe just another person LIVING.

Is it the doctor who works his best to save him/her from becoming an ‘it’? For a doctor it might just be an achievement... The 'I saved him' tag. The 'I gave him a second life' tag. But, is he going to be a part of his life forever? No.

Is it the parents who waited patiently to feel the first kick, to hear the first cry and then find out that the baby is 'defective'? Afterall, they are the ones who are going to live with the child… or maybe ‘bear’ with the child (harsh but true words). For some of them, the child maybe a 'burden'- a drain on their personal resources- time, strength and finances. But for others the child can be a pure source of joy.

I have seen the way a mother's face lights up when she sees her baby for the first time. 
I have also seen the way her eyes swell up when she hears that her child needs corrective surgery and that her child, being the tiny being he is, may not be able to survive through it. 
I have seen the way a surgeon's face lights up when the child survives the grueling surgery and the critical post-surgery days. 
But rarely have I seen a doctor getting really emotional about letting the child go. (A defense mechanism that comes with experience, to keep working and carry on with duties.)

So what happens when a neonate's fate is to be decided? What should be done when the decision is to be made? Whose decision is more important- the doctor’s or the parents’?

What should be done when a neonate goes into cardiac arrest? A doctor can save him with the CPR... But those crucial minutes of lost oxygen may render him a vegetable for life. An adult gets the option to sign a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) to be saved from the torture of ‘hanging up there’. But a neonate? Who gets to decide for them?

What is more important? Saving a neonate from death or saving a LIFE? Giving the ability to breathe or giving a life?

The emotional turmoil of a young doctor can rarely be cleared. These questions don't really have any answers. Experience may just harden up our souls and hearts- make us indifferent to some things.

(Apologies to the Grammar Nazis for the chaotic language.)

The Nepalese Drama

Nepal was certainly a trip that took me out of my comfort zone (first ‘phoren’ trip, politically unstable, rainstorm, time-bound, no elders!) But then, it also taught me that the fun in travelling is when you cross limitations, break free from restrictions and move outside your comfort circle!

Scene1- Pokhara

Our driver is writing the words ‘Tourists Only’ for the car windows. A strike/curfew is planned.

Driver- “Tourists are usually not affected in these domestic troubles. But, I suggest we leave for Lumbini asap.”

But, we aren’t willing to skip Sarangkot’s beautiful Himalayan sunrise.

The sun rising through a cloudy sky over the Himalayas

 

Scene2- Back after witnessing an amazing sunrise

The protestors are already on the street and our car keys are snatched away. This time they don’t want the tourists feeling left out of the strike.

Transport modes available- bicycles and airplanes (contrasting indeed).
No map. No companion. No guide. I want to cycle away to my hearts glory.

Nepalese police escorting some vehicles

  

Scene3- Airport-Mad dash for flights

The travel agents inform that all flights-out are completely booked. We cycle to the airport.

Airport employeeX- “I can get you 2tickets to Kathmandu. What price are you willing to pay for it?”

Me- “Are seats available?”

X- "2 chairs add kardenge-batao chahiye ki nahi."

:O Willing to add chairs in a16-seater mountain flight??? No ji! We are staying!

Rented cycles for the day

  

Scene4- ‘Hiking’

Boat rented to Barahi Temple island in the midst of Phewa Lake.

Boatsman- “There’s a World Peace Stupa built atop the hill across the lake. Want to see?”

Weather- Beautiful-pleasant-sunny. I can see mountain-flights and paragliders in the sky.

Hiking up a mountain was never on my list. But, in Nepal- amidst the Himalayas, you cant say no. It was a small hill, but for me it was The ‘hike’. At every turn a beautiful view awaits!



Hike up to World Peace Stupa, Ate fresh wild berries on the way ('Kaphal') 

 

Way back downhill, cut to drastic weather change! 

 

Scene 5- A lake, a boat, and a rainstorm

(background music- thud-thud-thud raindrops like stones)

It is pouring. Just managed to walk/slide downhill to a lone café. Chat.

Momentary pause in the rain.
Boatsman empties boat with a cola can.
Row, row, row your boat... gently harshly down the lake!

Weather- The clouds are in no mood to stop crying. Stormy winds. Waves lashing at the boat.

Cut to flashback- Driver telling us stories about people drowning and not being found.

(My thoughts- ‘I don’t want to die, not when Iam finally a doctor. I don’t know swimming. I love you mom-dad’)

Sudden snap to present- “Get off. Quick. Get off the boat.”

We are somehow back at the temple island. Around 30sane people, 2goats and some crazy people under a small tin roof.

No idea of time.

In the distance, docked boats are taking off in the stormy rain and people are swimming against the waves to get them back- amazing strength in those muscles (mental note- workout!!!)

After we reached shore safely (by Canon in its final moments :()

 

Another momentary pause in the rain.
On our way to safe shores again. Another shelter-another wait-another chat session.

Finally the rain decides to stop playing around…

Drenched. Tired. With new friends. With a dysfunctional camera (RIP Canon. You were great). Yet happy. With a big smile. With a story to tell back home.

Bidding adieu to our friends for the day

 

‘A unlucky adventure in Nepal’ is what I would call this. Unlucky was what it felt like then. But, looking back at it now- it was a fun 24hours that gave me a story to remember forever.

This post is an entry for a contest by CupONation, an online retailer of discount coupons, and The Shooting Star travel blog. Thanks a lot guys for running this contest and making me revisit my journal.

Phewa Lake after it calmed down. Quote by Cesare Pavese.

Soulless??? (Scrubs Diaries 4)

Death is all around. More so in a hospital. I haven’t been in a hospital long enough to get used to death on a daily basis. I have only been a medstudent and an intern. Both are phases of a doctor wherein everything is new, exciting and adrenaline inducing. Yet… Yet, one would always remember the first death they saw, the first death they blame themselves for, the first death that could have been prevented, the first pediatric death. What is important is that one should also remember the deaths they actually prevented, the lives they actually saved. The balance of our memories is what will keep us sane. That, and of course friends (Twitter friends too) get us through.

 

Like Dr Cox says death is joked about just to distance oneself, to get by. The doctor needs to move on as soon as possible. The doctor needs to get past the emotional aspect of it in order to carry on with work, and in order to learn from it and if possible avoid the next one. Learning from every mistake is important. Mistakes in this field are fatal.

So, doctors do tend to seem soulless over time. But, that is only to preserve the soul they have.

No copyright infringement intended.

 

Gross! (Scrubs Diaries 3)

This scene from Scrubs reminds of a case I saw in the surgical emergency of Dr RML Hospital. This young guy in his late twenties comes with his index finger wrapped in a cloth. His finger apparently got stuck in a hotel food processor. And when he unwrapped the cloth- lo behold, the sight was Gross! The distal phalanx (that would be the top one-third of the finger) was exposed to the bone, covered in blood… and when he shook his finger in pain- a piece of muscle fell in front of me. Inspite of all this, he had a big smile bordering on a LOL face- I thought he was either high or being a 5-star-hotel-employee, I thought the smile was a permanent feature! Well, it wasn’t any of those, it was a mature defense mechanism that our body has, to cope with the immediate excruciating pain… (The body never ceases to marvel!) (Even in the clip, Ben seems to be fine with the nail in his hand- defense mechanism again!).

Anyways, what did I want to do when I saw that? I wanted to faint (just like JD did) but I didn’t. As an intern we see many things that would make us woozy! But, as a matter of fact- I have never seen or heard of an intern fainting at the sight of blood or exposed anatomy. Why is that?

Well, I can say this for me (and I think for most medical interns)- such things are thrilling- it may sound rude, but it is the fact. There is an adrenaline rush that gets you through it. You don’t want to miss out on the learning experience- you want to be in the spot and see how it is going to be managed. You want to be of help and be proud of it. Also, being exposed to dead cadavers and gross anatomy on the very first day of medschool helps! (There are people who faint then).

Sure, stuff like rectal examinations, or inserting a Ryle’s tube and getting vomit all over yourself, makes me want to vomit! Gross Gross Gross!!! But these urges certainly dont get in the way of finshing up our work.

No copyright infringement intended!

Just Lessons...

Disclaimer- The following is not poetry, not micro poetry, not an article, no format.... Just Lessons!

Never get defensive in friendship.
Somebody is angry at you,
          let them show the anger.
There is no mistake of yours, let it be;
          they will understand when the time comes.
Somebody is not talking to you
          you go talk to them.
Friendship doesn't need explanations or negotiations.
There is this beautiful message which says:
          'Friends can start off years later from just where they left off'!'
But, I have these nightmares...
          Can I? Will I be able to?
Scary but imminently near...
You think you have known a person your whole life, THEIR whole life
          But then, do you really know them?
          Why just THEM?  Do you know yourself truly and completely?
          I doubt myself!
5 years... and my life has been a roller coaster
          But it was not the roller coaster I booked and hopped onto;
          I kept changing tracks, jumping people, jumping situations;
And now, the track is about to end- mid-air;
And I find myself lonely in out there...
Just lessons, but time-costly lessons!
Maybe that's what experience is all about...